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The
mantra "If you can't say something Nice, don't say anything at all,"
has captured many of us in its attractive web. By keeping silent
or not saying what you mean, Nice often translates into a pleasant
and agreeable approach that supports the needs of others instead
of your own.
Many
promote Nice as an essential social lubricant because it seems to
create fewer complications. Concealing your needs behind compulsory
pleasantry might fulfill the short-term goal of keeping things smooth.
However, this withholding pattern can contribute to unmet needs
and may lead to repressed resentment, chronic stress, and eventual
burnout.
Chronic
stress, exacerbated by resentment, negatively affects our health.
Research shows this results in ailments such as ulcers, digestive
problems, headaches, and lower back pains. Unchecked, these ailments
can grow into debilitating life concerns.
The
good news is that modifying the selfless role of Nice and taking
responsibility for yourself by supporting yourself and expressing
your needs is good for you and those you love and work with.
Motivations
Behind Selfless Giving
Often
being pleasant and agreeable and supporting others is a means of
wanting to be liked while avoiding: conflict, hurting people's feelings
and saying no. Behind the selfless giving, Nice people often secretly
crave acceptance, gratitude, and even indebtedness from others.
Often
we don't think twice about inconveniencing ourselves to accommodate
the schedules of others. After all, doesn't that distinguish you
as a good person? Operating from our overblown sense of obligation
to take care of others, we don't even think about ourselves -- until
later -- usually when we realize our own needs were not met.
When
we find ourselves not being nurtured as well as we nurture others,
or when our sacrifices are not fully appreciated, internalized resentments
can build up. In order to maintain the agreeable image of Nice,
we then have to control our emotions by withholding them. The withholding
pattern continues until the discontent reaches a crisis point and
we either become explosive toward others or internalize and get
sick. Suffering rarely leads to a good outcome.
Costs
of Ignoring Our Personal Needs
Many
of us raised as children to be Nice grow into adults thinking that
asking for what you need would be selfish. Yet, discounting your
needs in favor of taking care of others may make you look like you
are a good team player, when in reality it can be a vehicle for
self-neglect. Supporting others then becomes the substitute for
taking care of oneself.
What
is the price of remaining passive and silent on your own behalf?
It's generally agreed by the medical world that many illnesses have
a link to repressed emotions. According to psychologist Brad Blanton,
author of Radical Honesty, "Most problems stem from not telling
the truth." A big part of Nice is to tell the world "I'm fine,"
even when you're not.
Blanton
asserts that the kind of lying that is most deadly is keeping back
information from those you think would be affected by it. "It is
being untruthful to yourself and others, not the hectic pace of
the modern world that is the major source of human stress".
Carolyn
Myss, medical expert and author of Anatomy of the Spirit,
suggests that living with negative situations and not trying to
change those conditions is poison to our biological system. Myss
contends that ongoing resentment from passively going along with
agendas that do not meet our needs breeds negativity. Chronic negativity
breeds illness.
However,
the incentives to be Nice have a strong pull -- strong enough to
inspire many of us to ignore our own needs indefinitely despite
the costs. Usually it takes intense discomfort and disillusionment
to force people to confront the reality that Nice is not the life
skill we once thought it was.
What's
next, if Nice doesn't work?
While
we all need to love and be loved, we need to have reverence for
ourselves and cultivate our own spirit before pursuing the task
of providing support for others. If you want to be a good team player,
the best thing you can do for yourself and your team -- be it your
family, or workplace, or community group, is to make sure your needs
are addressed along with others in some fashion. Remember, care
of the self is the primary starting point for a responsible and
healthy foundation for caring for others.
Because
our focus may have been highly attuned to others' needs for so long,
getting in touch with your own needs is the first step toward healthier
living. Start with a series of small steps. Internally, check in
with yourself regularly: When I leave a situation, do I feel satisfied
that I supported myself? Do I hide behind the mask of pleasantry
instead of revealing my true self? Once you check in with yourself,
you have an important question to ask: Am I willing to take personal
responsibility and support myself by telling the truth about what
I really need, ask for assistance, and then act on my own behalf?
Ask
yourself, who is someone I could start telling the truth to about
my needs? By practicing small acts of courage with the parking lot
attendant, strangers, or your friends, you can venture out to getting
your needs met in more significant arenas.
What
will you experience once you leave Nice? You might find that you
feel more constructive to others from the inside out. Chances are
high you will experience relief from the out-of-control feeling
caused by the passivity of being Nice and enjoy a stronger sense
of self. Follow the motto "Do it for you; it will be good for others."
When you are true to yourself, all else falls properly into place.
You'll also find these simple but important changes will have profound
and healing effects on your life.
Gina
Rae Hendrickson is a business dispute mediator, teaches negotiation
courses and is a freelance writer based in Santa Barbara, CA
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