By pretending you are okay when you really feel resentful you are choosing to conceal your true feelings about needs that have not been met. Pretending to be okay is a decision making rut because withholding information postpones true problem solving. You also create a false sense of agreement. Therefore, your needs remain unmet. In addition, pretending to be okay creates resentment and undermines relationships.

It is true that a pleasant and agreeable front can be an effective form of coping until you get a grip on what you need to do next. By holding back a response, you might provide a temporary neutralizing effect in a volatile situation. However, the pleasant facade, often rationalized as politeness, can be a hideaway for avoiding conflict, real and imaginary.

When you make decisions that avoid conflict your focus is on avoiding issues rather than addressing them. This is because conflict has become an exaggerated foe. The misconception is that direct and honest communication about your needs, wants, or expectations automatically leads to conflict. The truth is, relationships based on politeness and false representations are fragile and unstable because they are missing REAL communication about REAL needs.

As long as you pretend to be okay everyone else is thinking you are in agreement when in fact you are not. Since no one is informed about the truth of the situation, they are prevented from making any adjustments on your behalf. Therefore, nothing is likely to change. As your feeling of disappointment grows so does your resentment toward others. This is how nice people can become secret carriers of resentment.

In order to improve your decision making skills, remember this: Direct communication about what you need actually strengthens your relationships and ability to move into problem solving. Studies show that relationships that encounter conflict and resolve it become more stable and flexible for dealing with differences down the road. That is because they are developed around real needs and accurate information. Also, sharing who you are is simply an educational tool, a natural part of the feedback loop that promotes more informed problem solving.

For example, let’s say changes have been made at your office and you feel adversely affected. You notice that you are coping by putting up a pleasant front. However, you really feel resentful. This is the time to move into being an active problem solver. The feeling of resentment is the indicator that you may need to either say or do something. You might express how the changes affect you, make suggestions that would improve your situation, or do something that promotes a solution.

In the real world of collaboration, sharing who you are and what you need does not guarantee that you will have your wishes fulfilled. However, speaking explicitly about your needs and acting on your own behalf is the most likely road toward desired change.