Complaining about others in their absence while being nice to their face is a decision making rut because it wastes time, energy, and is ineffective. Many revert to this covert style of communicating as a way to avoid conflict and build self esteem. Its weak link is that complaining trades power for sympathy and is passive about problem solving. However, you can tap into your hidden power because behind every complaint is a request in disguise. Requests are more powerful because they actively seek out solutions for problem solving.

Complaints waste time because your focus is on the wrong doings of others rather than taking personal responsibility for your own well being. Your energy is spent on bathing in the commiseration of others instead of reaching for action that would effectively address the situation.

There are many temptations to complain to others. You may have agreed to things that you really disagreed with. Rather than openly disagree, you vent pent-up negativity to others in order to avoid direct confrontation with those you have negative feelings about. Venting allows you to express discontent, keep interactions smooth, and avoid being viewed as a trouble maker or an unsupportive person. This fear of direct and honest communication comes from the false notion that honesty about your needs creates conflict.

Complaining is often used to build a false sense of self esteem. When you feel poorly, it is easy to reach into the bag of irritations and make someone seem incompetent, unreasonable, or inconsiderate. When someone looks bad, we feel good. At least for a short while. However, any victory you achieve from complaining is a shallow one because negative emotions keep circulating and the problem hangs around.

Complaints will ultimately keep you from getting at the core issues such as how well you are taking care of yourself. For instance, you are at a party with cigar smoking and you are extremely sensitive to smoke. You could complain on your way home from the party about the smoke. Or the more powerful approach is to recognize that you could have taken charge of your life and kept your breathing space away from the smoke entirely. The first approach is passive and the second keeps you personally responsible around your well being.

There are ways to make your decisions move into problem solving. For example, instead of complaining, do something on your own behalf that would address your concerns. Or, you can provide leadership in problem solving by making a request for something from those who are directly involved.

There is an endless supply of dissatisfying situations and inconsiderate people that test how well you take care of yourself. Next time you catch yourself complaining, do something to improve your situation or turn your conversation into a request. . Ask yourself, "What am I making better by speaking up at this time?" Sometimes minor adjustments can make major improvements.