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As the only female lumberjack in
my timber region, who donned a hard-hat, wore steel-toed boots,
sorted logs, and developed the muscles of a female Hercules, I have
a confession to make. Despite brute strength, I lacked personal
power. I did not know how to get my needs met, either through my
own will, or through the assistance of others. Looking back on those
early years of career development, and knowing what I know now as
a professional negotiator, I attribute my difficulties to being
‘Nice.’
What is the connection of being ‘Nice’
and lacking personal power? ‘Nice’ is a pleasant and agreeable
approach that supports the needs of others, but is passive in acting
on one’s own behalf. My professional experience indicates that
this inactive approach can compound problems in the workplace, create
stress, and promote dishonesty among colleagues.
Clearly, good manners and civility
are an essential lubricant in a society of competing needs. Yet,
many of us have heard the phrase 'Nice guys finish last.' That made
me curious: What is underneath this losing strategy? Why would someone
persist in this tradition?
While many of us may put ourselves
in the Nice Club, it is important to examine our assumptions and
motives before we enroll as full-time members.
For example, Lisa, a manager in a
hospital library, found she was primarily motivated by the desire
to preserve relationships. Her activities rallied around being likable,
having pleasant interactions, and being supportive to others. Desirable
characteristics, right?
What were the consequences of Lisa’s
approach? Lisa accommodated others without the proper computer equipment
and personnel support which she needed to do her job. She also accepted
menial tasks that distracted her from her own mounting responsibilities;
all the while, Lisa increasingly considered quitting her job. As
Lisa stoically maintained a pleasant, ‘Nice’ demeanor,
her resentment grew. Yet, no one at work heard a whisper of discontent
from Lisa.
Tom, a manager at a prominent information
technology plant majored in ‘Nice’ as well. As downsizing
put more demands on everyone to do more with less, Tom said 'Yes'
to increasing demands, including fifty hour weeks and working on
weekends. Over time, his resentment and burnout led to an explosive
episode with his supervisor. On hearing of Tom’s pent up dissatisfaction,
his supervisor, Curt, said, 'Why didn’t you tell me it was
too much? Had I been clued in, I’d have done something different.'
Tom was so busy being agreeable that he didn’t make his needs
known, educate his colleagues about how the scheduling impacted
other important projects, nor suggest more workable options. For
Tom, there were no options beside ‘Nice.’
The Requirements of Nice
- For Lisa, Tom, and others
I interviewed, Nice was maintained by:
- Saying 'Yes' when they really
meant 'No,' in order to preserve relationships;
- Maintaining an agreeable front
despite internal conflicts due to accepting less than what they
really wanted;
- Assuming the supportive role for
others, while keeping their own needs unspoken;
- Suppressing information about
how things really were for them, in the spirit of, 'If you can’t
say something nice, don’t say anything at all.'
The Weak Links of Nice
Why would someone persist in being
Nice? Many followers of Nice believe in the notion that it will
deliver rewards; so much so, that they don’t notice the diminished
returns in real life.
Unfortunately, Nice cannot deliver
when it is a pleasant facade that disguises real issues and desires,
or when it creates a barrier to being seen. Over time, relationships
become inauthentic shells bound by pleasant performance, rather
than expressions of our true selves.
‘Nice’ people often refuse
to self-disclose, denying others a chance to provide assistance.
Ultimately, suppressing internal conflict actually misinforms others
about what is going on. Second, there is a common misperception
that the only choices available are to be Nice or Mean. In truth,
there are other constructive options for operating successfully
with others. Even so, realizing the fallacy that 'If You’re
Nice, Good Things Will Automatically Happen To You,' can be a bit
of a shock; like the bursting of a childhood illusion that Santa
isn’t real. So, what’s next?
Choices Beyond Nice
Personal power in the workplace and
in our personal lives requires the courage to act on our own behalf.
It translates into getting our needs met while meeting the
needs of others.
Fernando Flores, former finance minister
for Chile, and international consultant to major corporations, asserts
that there are five choices in which to respond to requests that
allow us to build trusting relationships, and get assistance.
- Say 'Yes', mean it, and
follow through on it.
- Say 'No' when what is being
requested doesn’t work well for you. It is only when we can
say 'No' that we ever truly can say 'Yes.' The ability to say
'No' allows others to be more honest and direct, an opportunity
that Nice does not provide.
- Commit to commit when you
need time to think about your true needs and capabilities. Committing
to commit is a promise that you’ll get back with others at
a designated time to let them know your answer.
- Counteroffer when you are
not able to provide for the exact request, but are able to provide
something else. It’s an offer that lets others know you can’t
do X, so how about Y?
- Renegotiate when you find
that you cannot keep your promise. Ask what you can do to help
others find another way.
In addressing the need for trusting
and supportive relationships in the workplace, Fernando Flores says,
'Our best comes out when we have honest discussions. Our worst comes
out when we behave like robots or professionals.' The five choices
for responding encourage flexible action plans that reflect the
true needs of the participants.
Life after Leaving Nice
Tom, the former self-described Yes-man,
initially thought that using the five response choices would create
more havoc with his burgeoning workload. Instead, Curt now trusts
that Tom will keep him informed as to the real implications of shifting
priorities and additional demands. Tom weaned himself from Nice
by remembering that at any given moment there are five possible
choices for how to respond to requests. Now Tom asks himself which
choice contributes most to the situation at hand.
Lisa, recently promoted to director
of the hospital library, is thriving after leaving Nice to lead
a more proactive role in the workplace. To her surprise, telling
others what she needs has not been a problem; it has enhanced her
credibility with her colleagues and superiors. By using the five
response choices beyond 'just say yes,' she accomplishes more at
work and doesn’t put off what she needs to do for herself.
Lisa is convinced that she could not be in a position with her level
of responsibility if she had kept to her Nice old ways. As she delegates
and promotes others, she asserts, 'It’s preferable to give
responsibility to those who take care of themselves.'
As for myself, having learned that
a person who tries to please all will please none, I find that I
actually can please most by being my true self. No longer a slave
to being Nice, I enjoy being collaborative by allowing my needs
to be equal among others’.
My ability to add value and provide
leadership is due to my choosing from a broader range of choices
that more truly reflect the needs of each situation. For example,
a series of counter offers in meetings can be an effective way of
brainstorming. Also, saying 'No' can be a form of project management,
particularly as a precaution from overextending oneself. Committing
to commit is useful to avoid reacting to the pressure of the moment.
New situations may require renegotiating your participation. From
these choices, it follows that a 'Yes' has much more power because
it contains no resentment.
According to a recent survey, about
forty percent of American workers complain of excessive workloads.
Increased responsibilities require a balancing act between work
and personal duties. As managing boundaries becomes a necessary
skill for new demands of the workplace, how would your life improve
by giving Nice a rest?
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