|
Many disputes seem hopeless to resolve
at first. That is because each party’s story is at odds with
the other. No one is listening, yet the volume of the debate is
high. Some people who come to mediation wonder how one more airing
of differences could be worthwhile when things seem so stuck. The
essential ingredient that can move a discussion toward solution
is finding common ground.
Finding common ground, at a minimum,
can be simply agreeing about when and where events occurred. In
addition, common ground can be about recognizing shared values,
good intentions behind behaviors, and perhaps parallel goals. Without
commonalities, problem solving grinds to a halt.
A hazard in debate is that it is
easy to overlook the quieter areas of agreement when the rumble
of dissent roars the loudest. Pockets of accord are often ignored.
Common ground can appear small and insignificant, be taken for granted,
or not appreciated for its full value.
Yet even the most commonplace agreements
serve as important glue for dealing with differences. The focus
on disagreement alone keeps us trapped in negative emotions, narrow
views, and distortion. From this, positive choices do not seem apparent.
Commonalities are grounding for our thinking and help us make sense
out of the confusion and overwhelm that often surrounds disagreement.
It is when we can recognize our shared
areas of agreement, small, mediocre, and large, that our positive
goals and talents can be galvanized. How does this work? Human beings
have more things in common than not. We all have a desire for acceptance
and a fear of rejection. Once our basic core humanness becomes part
of the conversation, many differences lose their Goliath proportions
and become more manageable.
The challenge lies in the fact that
agreement tends to be shy and quiet compared to the drama of difference.
Therefore, finding common ground takes a willingness to shift the
focus from exclusive investment in one’s own story to looking
at the story we share in common. It may be that differences lie
in the approach, but that the ends goals are shared. Looking at
shared goals can inform how to deal with the differences.
Common ground is actually commonplace,
and it makes commonsense to give it its fair share of the conversation.
It’s there if you look for it.
|