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It is not WHAT you say that people
pay attention to as much as HOW you say it. Studies show that during
a conversation people pay attention to 55% body language, 38% tone
of voice, and 7% content. Simply, people are focusing on the quality
of your body gestures and tone of your voice as the barometer of
whether listening to your words is safe or even desirable.
While you are talking, our partners
in a conversation are busy sorting information for similarities
and differences to determine whether they feel safe or threatened
by you. Matching similarities in body gestures and tone of voice
creates a sense of safety that allows others to be able to listen
to what you have to say. Conversely, if others experience a mismatch
in body alignment when you are near each other, the differences
you have in content, even benign ones, can easily be interpreted
as threatening and the ability to listen is shut down. The urge
to fight it out or run for the hills is stimulated. However, when
you can increase the sense of similarity with others, differences
are more likely to be tolerated and even worked through.
Often times, during a conversation
that is at an impasse it is tempting to repeat your words, repeat
them again and again, and then resort to increasing the volume to
make sure you are convincing. When they refuse to "hear" what you
are saying after all your efforts, it can be frustrating. Relying
on words alone to deliver the message will not deliver positive
results. It is your body and tone of voice that do most of the talking
for you.
Increasing similarities in body gestures,
like folding your arms, or mirroring their posture by standing or
sitting in a chair increases receptivity toward you as the speaker.
The quality of your eye contact says "I am connecting to your basic
humanness." Matching in tone of voice can also enhance your ability
to engage on a more effective level. When they are excited, your
tone of voice can raise a couple of notches in the level of excitement
to show that you are relating to their experience. When they are
angry your tone can match their urgency to confirm that you hear
they are dissatisfied.
Caution: You can reduce the impact
of differences on the mental radar screen through matching others
behavior to an extent as long as you do not commit the crime of
mimicking. By neutralizing the primitive urge to fight or take flight,
you will make it easier for others to listen to what you have to
say.
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