Dealing With Negative Emotions

When you experience negative emotions like disappointment, anger, or sadness there are four basic approaches to dealing with them. Only one approach leads to positive change and problem solving. First, you can avoid feelings that you do not want to feel; second, deny their existence even though they are present; third, endure the situation and suffer; forth, learn from your negative emotions and do something about it. Learning from negative emotions is the only approach that embraces problem solving and improves the situation.

Problem solving starts with taking personal responsibility for your own welfare. To accomplish this you need to confront what is really happening, including uncomfortable emotions, so that you can make the best decisions. In contrast, evading discomfort from negative emotions and wishing for things to be different keeps you waiting for the something that doesn’t exist. This fairy tale thinking postpones getting an effective action plan in gear.

The three approaches that do not address problem solving are avoiding, denying, and enduring. Avoiding negative emotions is similar to rejecting the idea that it is raining even though rain drops are falling. Denying negative emotions involves pretending that you are not as uncomfortable as you really are from the chill of the wind and getting soaked from the downpour. Instead, you proceed ahead as if it were warm and sunny. After you have admitted that it is raining and you are cold and uncomfortable, the enduring approach is about staying in the discomfort zone and not doing anything about it except to hunker down for long term suffering.

The learning approach requires that you pay attention to negative emotions and to changes in the environment even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Even though you wish it were sunny you recognize stormy clouds and cold winds as valuable information that needs to be incorporated into your decision making. Because changing weather conditions are not always in your favor, the learning approach looks for options to lessen harsh impacts and build in improvements. Instead of holding others responsible to keep you dry and comfortable, you move into positive action plans that are responsive to the demands of situations.

Negative emotions are barometers for when things are going off track. Other negative emotions such as frustration, regret, or loneliness can be uncomfortable to experience and take courage to confront. Yet, they are important signals for the need for change or some adjustment. When you befriend negative emotions and take advantage of the valuable information they do offer, your learning curve can create opportunities for you to reach for something better.