Getting Rid Of Resentment

I used to think that an article on resentment would be most effective as a humorous satire. Poking fun might help people see the folly of holding on to their grudges and help them realize that, after awhile, resentment is a futile and ineffective use of mental time. However, resentment is not very funny. In fact, if you keep company with resentment, your life can be full of needless bitterness and pain.

What is resentment?

Resentment is harboring negative emotions towards others for real, and sometimes, imaginary crimes. It often starts out as experiencing an unpleasant situation and thinking about it as an attempt to understand its effect on us. Many of us do have expectations around how the world should be, and when the world doesn’t unfold that way, we feel resentment.

Resentment is holding grudges, gossiping, complaining, and covertly manipulating situations as a way to even the score. It often becomes an internal preoccupation with feeling bad about yourself and others, that you won’t let go of, like a dog with a treasured bone. Unfortunately, problems do not get resolved by the repetitious ruminations about things gone wrong.

Resentment is bitter, particularly the longer a negative attitude toward others is given permission to thrive and increase in its toxicity. Nurturing bitterness creates continual inner conflict. Unresolved inner conflict makes it one hundred times more difficult to deal with current challenges because you are already mentally depleted by negativity.

Getting Rid Of Resentment

Because negative emotions often form unconsciously, they are insidious and resentment can gradually take over your mental life. Negativity is hypnotic with its repetitious never ending story, and therefore can become habit forming, and even addictive. Ironically, negative emotions can become like best friends where you find some comfort from feeling bad. However, you can put resentment in its proper place by keeping it short lived and finding ways to manage it so that you can move more quickly into positive action.

First, pay attention to your thoughts. When you become aware that your thinking no longer helps you make sense of what has happened to you, and your issues are not resolving, it is time to short circuit this mental battlefield. It is time to change your focus and think differently for new and more helpful information.

Then, you can redirect your focus by asking yourself a few questions such as: “How else could I look at this situation?” “If no one had to be wrong, what could be some other interpretations of events?” “Even if someone was wrong, and I decided not to remain a victim, what would I need to do now to change my story?” Many a break-through can be attributed to looking at situations from different points of view.

Next, DO SOMETHING to address the situation. SAY SOMETHING to externalize your thoughts so that your experience can be addressed. THINK SOMETHING DIFFERENT by considering a variety of possible interpretations so that you can let go of the past. Getting rid of resentment can be as simple as letting go of making people wrong for not conforming to some of your expectation about how people need to be. These simple, yet profound, approaches can break the spell of the habitual and passive aspects of resentment. You will be much more capable of resolving events so that you have much more time and energy for positive living.

©Gina Rae Hendrickson mediates business disputes and teaches negotiation and mediation courses at UCSB Extension. She can be reached at 805-962-2069 or ginarae@ginarae.com